Thursday, November 22, 2012

Leaving the Hearth

"I am going away for a while,
But I'll be back;
don't try and follow me,
'cause I'll return as soon as possible.
See, I'm trying to find my place 
but it might not be here where I feel safe..."
 -- Hayley Williams (via Paramore) "Misguided Ghosts" 

|Credit: [x]|

This may well be my very last Thanksgiving at home. I've been wanting to fly like a cooped turkey for a couple of years now, and lacked the means. It's kind of bittersweet, you know? From the moment I get the chance, I will be out on my own. I won't have to figure out how in the world I am getting home for short breaks or vacations. I can just stay in Oswego under my own rules and coin.

It sounds kind of tough. But, then again -- isn't life partially a test to see who is able to handle the stress of it?

I think the hardest part for me is the conflict of hating being home instead of up in Oswego and hating to leave my family behind despite it all. I know I should've been out a long time ago and this dependence can't really continue, but it's tough. It really is.

Actually, it kind of brings me to think about the concept of family in Heathen practices. Everyone has to leave sometimes. But there's something to be said about how the mythologies and current revival of these old ways treats the concept of family and hospitality.

Family comes first. It doesn't matter what sort of trouble they cause or find themselves in. It doesn't matter if they, in a moment of anger or despair, said all the wrong things. We forgive -- albeit not totally forget -- and move forward. We accept them for who and what they are -- dreadfully perfect. We don't pick them. Back then, they REALLY didn't pick them, as marriages were arranged for economic or political reasons quite often.

There's been a lot of misunderstanding within my family. Huge arguments between siblings, parents, ect. Moves across the country for other extended members. Growing up, especially for me, has caused a lot of problems. We don't live under a single roof much anymore. I've shifted perspectives to a different area entirely. I understand who and what I am and where I must try to go, and that doesn't include staying home. I hate the restrictions and the smallness of this town that I know like the back of my hand. I can't stay here while my family does for much longer. I have to go. So, here's to my last Thanksgiving at home. Here's to being the adult. Here's to trying my best.

Everyone has to leave home some time, after all.


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