Friday, February 8, 2013

Little Pagan Things

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I love to read about other people's UPGs on tumblr, because by the way I view things, all stories are interesting and there is always something to be learned from shared experiences. But somehow I get a little apprehensive about my UPG. And I don't write out huge posts in regards to that usually. But I read an amazing post today. And I figured it wouldn't hurt to share.

I don't worship gods exactly the same as other people do -- because when I started out I was looking for a different way to understand things. I didn't know, back in my time spent studying fluffy Wicca books, exactly what it was I wanted to understand. I set out offerings, researched and spoke/prayed to deities, but never felt any kind of personal connection. I went years this way. It wasn't until my freshman year of college that I connected with a deity -- and it was in a way that I didn't expect in the least.

It was the end of my first semester and a friend of mine was having trouble coping with stress. I was picking up on her panic attacks as I sat with her and tried to help her out. Panic in general is the complete opposite of me -- I had never had one in my entire life. I was at a lack of words to help -- couldn't find the words to say. I felt helpless like I couldn't be the friend I always said I was. Later on, when I was alone and able to meditate and try to calm myself down, I met Thor. In a time where strength was something I really needed, a deity showed up during meditation. He always has words of encouragement to say; he seems to be more of a champion for the humans -- in our conversations, which are admittedly very short -- he notes that I am capable of great strength, just not in the ways he is. That is enough. He shows up when I'm feeling particularly useless, even to this day. Every time it thunders, I always look up and say "Hello, Thor."

Time skip forward to this time last year. I decided I seriously wanted to work in poetry and figure out a way to integrate that into some form of living. Before I decided I would be a college Professor, I meditated frequently on it, and felt kind of lost -- at first I thought my writing was sub-par and wasn't sure on which direction to go in order to improve. At the time I was also researching for a paper that grouped all Germanic deities into one -- saying that Wodan and Odin are the same deity, but in different languages. In meditation, I met Wodan. I was told that in order to write better, I had to research better. I had to read texts in ways that allowed each culture their differences. It was strange and for a while hard to wrap my head around. But the aspect I met was concerned about academics and writing -- especially the poetry. He critiques as I imagine they critique in grad school -- in the "These are the negatives. Fix them" sort of way. Not in the "You did this well, but..." sort of way. I get a nod if I do something right. I get an earful if I don't.

Time skip forward to last semester, mid to late November. In conversations with one of my dear friends, I noted how I never really had a personal connection to a goddess. I had been trying to contact one who would give me a bit of guidance in terms of love and relationships -- and I learned based on how my relationships work with other deities that I would have to let them find me worthy -- and I had been unsuccessful up until a certain point. No Goddesses came to me in dream or meditation -- but for a workshop where a professor came in and introduced O.S.P.A. to shamanic journeys, I met Sunne in the upper world. She's the Anglo-Saxon Goddess of the Sun. In a way, she is the sun itself. She didn't explain much, but showed me that time changes things -- time gives us the ability to grow. Her job, she said, was to make sure that I grew. She would watch over me like she does the plants. I don't see her often, but I feel her presence inside my head sometimes as I wake up in the morning -- especially in the moments before the alarm clock goes off.

Finally, a skip forward to late January. I had been trying to work on my psychic gifts and learn new ways that magic worked, but seeing as I work mostly in clairaudience, I was having a tough time finding ways to verify my experiences or to "check" if I was working in the right direction. Opposite now I had to work -- I had to do this on my own without being overly analytical and academic. I had to try something before I felt I had found enough research. I had to trust in what I had the ability to do without a source telling me I had the ability. Over a card game, I heard Loki. He was the first that showed up in a way where I had to force myself to use clairaudience to communicate. He simply would not walk in during meditation -- and thus I haven't 'seen' him. Only heard him. That night, I listened past what I believed I had the ability to listen -- and had a long conversation, if you could call it a conversation, with Loki. In the end, what I got from it was this -- there are times when it's alright to be structured and academic, but in certain things life needs to be chaotic. I was promised that until I could accept that and integrate those energies in my own life by my own hand, he'd have to stick around. And I don't mind personally. I feel like this connection has helped me astronomically with psychic gifts, all the way from clairaudience right down to divination.

I offer words of thanks to all my deities. I wear a Mjollnir daily as a way to thank Thor. I've known and have had a connection with him the longest. I write poetry for Wodan and work as hard as I can to keep learning, and that gets me a nod on occasion from this aspect of him. For Sunne, I keep finding ways to integrate change into my life and I represent her on my altar with a female sun pendant. For Loki, I vowed to listen closely and have since been working on ridding myself of the self-doubt monster that blocks intuitive psychic things. If he shows up, he always gets acknowledged; he sounds so much different than other spirits which I can isolate and ignore if I so choose.

So that's my UPG in a nutshell. All of the above can be elaborated on -- but I feel like that would be a tl;dr moment for most.


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