Thursday, January 31, 2013

Listen Closely

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I need to work through something, and usually the best way that I can is to write until it makes sense. Lately, I've been really practicing with my clairaudience -- which is considered a psychic "gift." It has been almost a month and a half since I began intensive study (or attempting intensive study; more on that in a moment) with what it is to work with psychic "gifts" and how it helps with my craft in general.

One of the problems I encountered was that there aren't actually a ton of cohesive, tangible sources that teach you how to improve. They give you suggestions, but it is up to you to do the work and understand your own limitations in order to push past them.

There's a giant limitation that we all probably have faced, are facing -- will probably always stumble across. (Kind of like Ganon in the Legend of Zelda series -- fight him once, and he comes back to life in a different manifestation.) That battle is with your own self-doubt. The question you might ask yourself as you practice your ability or craft -- "am I making all of this up?"
Well, when it came to clairaudience, I felt like no matter what I was hearing, it was just my mind playing tricks on me -- even if it wasn't the sound of my own voice in my head, it surely was made up -- imagined -- pretend.

It has always been a tough struggle for me to get over self doubt. Constantly. Not only in relation to magic or psychic things, but also for speaking in public, for self esteem in the past, for my own writing -- it's unfortunately been just like this -- I needed someone to tell me I was right to think a certain way in all the cases. I stumbled blindly for so long that I got frustrated and needed a voice in the darkness to say, "Well hey -- it's okay. You learn like this. You've gotta make your own way." But what I didn't understand this whole time is that in order to get over self doubt, it had to be my own voice in the darkness.

I've read that it is fine to doubt whether or not a spell will work. That spells will do what they do in different ways depending on your uhh...for lack of better terminology, "level of belief." In beginning my new interpretation and understanding of this...maybe it's not so much the spell you need to believe in, but yourself. *Cue fluffy bunny music.*
I had no other way to phrase it. But we can banter on UPG all we want, if it is your world and your understanding, in order to move forward, you've gotta somehow tackle that self-doubt obstacle. I suppose it's just trusting that you yourself are capable.

So that's where I come full circle back to my talk about clairaudience. It took an age for me to stop doubting that I heard energy and spirits, first as buzzing, which definitely was separate and not electric, and then as voices if I focused on said buzzing. But then it was still exceedingly difficult. I'd encounter things, creatures, structures -- and just raw energy that didn't speak. Not in a way I could understand. And sometimes I would get images from the things that gave up repeating themselves --scenes which I could describe if you'd all like. It didn't dawn on me that all the "versions" of psychic "gifts" are somewhat interconnected, and that everyone does have the ability to develop them. Again, if they allow their worldview to differ from what they came to know as "normal."

As I began to work on clairaudience as a part of energy work, (keep in mind that I still consider myself a complete n00b) I noticed that it became slightly apparent that I could sense energy in other ways. For instance, that tingly feeling when picking up a gem -- or indeed as my shield blocks out another person's energy -- I noticed that I can feel it in my left hand if the shield buckles a little bit under that "pressure." I also noticed that my own doubt of my own gifts made it hard to strongly visualize much. I may not understand what the "proper" way to build a shield is, or how to make one in a bunch of different ways -- but what I did learn is that once I clearly saw what I wanted the shield to look like, it worked based on that image. So my net with gemstones and feathers is flexible and as stuff bounces off of it (maybe not back towards whomever, but alas,) I can feel the energy working. A friend built a shield for me once to block out the sounds of spirits after a bit of an experiment. (Because, you know, once the spirits in my house realized I was calling out to them, they all had their entire death story to tell.) So, this new shield, which "moved" differently, thus sounded differently. It made more of a sound like glass falling to the ground -- which was distinctive, considering energy usually just sounds like different layers buzzing to me.

I think I've rambled. So -- the point. Did I have a point? Yes, I was working out that I have indeed practiced my clairaudience and despite the fact that there is nobody telling me "Yep, you've done it right this time," I feel sort of a sense of improvement. It is taking a lot of time and a lot of effort, but eventually I want this to be second nature -- something that's not always default on -- but something I can invoke for different things and make good use of along with the other pieces of the puzzle.


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